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Reaching for the Random...the most interesting day of my life.
– 4/24/02 – MrPickles
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Those of you who include Crazyass13.com as a part of your daily routine of slackerdom have certainly picked up on the recent hints that I dropped regarding a certain event that was to take place in my life. As far as I know, I am the only regular writer ( I use the term "writer" very loosely) on this site who has entered into the confines of marriage(and happily so, I might add). So it probably comes as no surpise that I am the first to have *knowingly* fathered a child.
I recall the day when I found out that fatherhood was no longer a distant probablility, but rather an impending reality. My wife and I, having just moved to a new city for a new job, were in the middle of a lapse in medical insurance which had prevented us from securing an acceptable means of contraceptive. The typical male has a serious disposition towards the use of condoms, and I am no different. As you have already deduced, a lapse in medical insurance does not mean a lapse in...well, I think you get my point. Anyway, we are getting ready for a weekend camping trip when we find out (via home testing) that we are in for a drastic change in a little less than 9 months. Surprise is not the word. Shock would be more like it. As if we didn't think this would happen, we drove to our campsite pondering the complexity of it all. I wasn't worried since I had 9 months to get used to the idea , and I figured that would be plenty of time. That all seems like yesterday to me.
I had plenty of time to get used to the idea of birth since my wife dragged me to those crazy "birthing classes". I even watched an actual birth on video. So when I went to the hospital, I thought I was ready to handle that shit without passing out. Nobody told me I had to help. It comes time to deliver and I'm standing there in jeans and a t-shirt and the nurse looks at me and says "hold this", and she wasn't talking about a scalpel. I'm holding one leg and she's holding the other. What followed was the most horrifying, yet beautiful thing I had ever witnessed in my short life, all wrapped into one. Let's just say that I have a newfound respect for my wife, whom I already had a great deal of respect for in the first place. She's amazing. And the kid is great. For some reason, God decided to give me one of the quiet kids. He doesn't cry very much unless he's is very hungry or he has to sit in his crap-filled diaper for extended periods of time. He sleeps a lot. The whole concept of having a kid is pretty horrifying, but the real thing is beyond amazing.
Now, y'all probably think Pickles is going to go soft on your ass since he has a kid. Well, you'd be wrong. I can still bring the heat when I need to, and that's why I'm gonna drop a few bombs today. First, crazyass13 has had a review section up for some time now, and I haven't noticed any contributions from any of you freeloading fuckers that read the site. Get your ass in gear and review something...movies, CD's, games, your shampoo, the sock you beat-off into...anything. Lets get some reader interaction going here. Send us some crazy pictures or something. Like this picture I took at a party...that's crazy shit, yea? You fall asleep at a party with Mr. Pickles around and your liable to get a nutsack dangled in your face. Yah, I know it's juvenile, but I'm not seeing anyone contributing here and it's chapping my ass.
What was this guy thinking? He's probably one of those fucking idiots that says "If there's grass on the field, play ball!! Huh, huh, huh!", and thinks it's funny. I hate people that say shit like that, because most of the time they don't mean it but they say it so people will laugh at them. "You know what I always say: Wine 'em, dine 'em, sixty-nine 'em. Ha ha ha!"
Just after the anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide comes the news that Layne Staley of Alice In Chains is dead (yah, I know crazyass13 already mentioned it, but...)from what will likely be a drug overdose. Dammit, I was never a huge AIC fan, but it still kind of gets to me since I was a huge fan of the mid-90's Seattle thing. 3 of the "Big 4"(Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, AIC) are no more, and two of the singers are already dead. Only Chris Cornell and Ed Vedder remain. Cornell just quit the post-Rage band that I was really looking forward to. Shit, at least PJ is still alive and kicking. They're in the studio right now, and Ed has a mohawk, which I hope says something about the music on the new record(due early next year). I can't think of any new music that I'm really looking forward to besides the Foo Fighters next album(hopefully they abandon the 'pop' bullshit and bring the heat). Word has it that they are taking a break from making their record so that Dave Grohl can play drums for Queens of the Stone Age, whose next album should be out soon. I can't wait, 'cause their last album was good shit. If you haven't checked it out, you need to. It's called "R", and it's the best dose of stoner rock that I have heard in a long damn time. THEN, I hear rumors that Soundgarden might be getting back together...which would be great. However, their drummer Matt Chamberlain, is busy right now since he is the drummer for Pearl Jam, who I already mentioned were in the studio. So it sounds like these damn drummers are fuckin' things up in the music biz. Then there are bands like Cibo Matto that have 2 drummers(and 2 screaming asian ladies), and they aren't willing to share(the drummers OR the asians). The problem with drummers is that they are not expendable like bass players (see White Stripes, Local H, Metallica), so I guess were just going to accept the fact that were spread a little thin in the drummer department. Shit.
Cheers.
Mr. Pickles
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"Play Rooster!" – Super Fan
– 4/22/02 – CrazyAss13
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 I'm sure you've heard by now Alice In Chains singer Layne Staley is dead. I wasn't the biggest AIC fan so I'm not going to go on about how he'll be missed and how much he ment to the music sene. Not that I don't like AIC they made some great music and I listen to Dirt over and over again at one point in my life but I would rather tell you my favorite AIC story.
It was Lollapalooza 93 some where in Michigan. Primus and Alice In Chains were headlining the event that year. I was very excited because it was the first time I was going to see Rage Against The Machine, and no one at that time, captured teen angst quite as well as RATM. The bands were all great, except for Dinosaur Jr. What the fuck did people see in that band? J. Mascis can suck my dick. Anyway by the time Alice In Chains was up I was pretty tired of fighting the crowd up front so I decided to find a nice place to stand and watch them play where I wouldn't be getting pushed and have annoying crowd surfers going over me ever other second. I found a nice spot just as AIC started to play.
After the first song I notice I'm standing next to a super fan that starts to yell "Play Rooster! Play Rooster! Rooster! Rooster!" So AIC plays another song, not Rooster, and when it ends this guy starts up again "Rooster! Rooster! Rooster!!" He's trying to get a chant going or something but AIC breaks into another song. I stood next to this guy and after every fucking AIC song he starts yelling "Rooster!" to no avail. I'm think of course they're going to play "Rooster" it was a hit at the time, there just saving it for the end.
I was so entertained by Super Fan that I started yelling with him after every song, even though I couldn't give an aborted fetus if they played "Rooster" or not. So the AIC set ends and they hadn't played "Rooster." They say "Good night" and leave the stage. Super Fans looks at me and says "They didn't play Rooster!" I shrug. He turns the guy on the other side of him and says "I can't belive they didn't play 'Rooster'!" No one had did an encore at this point so I just figured they were sick of playing "Rooster" but Super Fan seemed like he was crushed. Then we heard the roar of the crowd! Alice In Chains was back on stage! They were going to do an encore! Super Fan wasn't dead yet! He starts to yell again! "Rooster!" "Rooster!" "Rooster!" "Rooster!" And what do you think they play? Fucking "Rooster!" Super Fan was so excited he ran towards the front of the stage and I soon lost track of him. I couldn't help but feel good for the guy.
So that's my Alice In Chains story. That's the first thing I'll always think of when ever I hear their name. Kind of strange huh?
Some Other Crap
 From time to time I actually get some interesting and or funny email. This is one of these rare examples.
"The ex-host of the kid's show Blue's Clues has a new record coming out and is working with members of the Flaming Lips. He has some MP3s posted on his site, under the Songs For Dust Mites links. It's surprisingly way better than it has any right to be."
http://www.steveswebpage.com/
All and all that's just a great site and he's right, the songs are way better than they have any right to be. I also found info on buying one of those cool Blue's Clues t-shirts.
You'll see a few new reviews on your right, The Hives "Veni Vidi Vicious" and Jon Spencer Blues Explosion "Plastic Fang."
The foremost virtuoso of the theremin died. I saw Jon Spencer play the theremin in concert once and I had no idea he was actually playing an instrument. I just thought it was a crazy machine.
Plugs
I owe a few sites some plugs and some sites I just want to plug. The guy that runs Matchez Online lives in my state. That's nuts and deserves a plug. I always like to plug my fellow "Crazy" sites so check Crazy Fucked Up Shit, he's doing something new with his site. Cam Lives is new on the scene but it's been some good stuff so far. Listen to {S}purge!
Check out one of the big guys IWANG.
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| CrazyAss13 | Email | AIM |
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Robert Plant Is Rolling Over In His Grave
– 4/17/02 – CrazyAss13
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 "Dolly Parton's upcoming bluegrass album, Halos And Horns, will feature the country legend doing a cover of Led Zeppelin's "Stairway To Heaven." The album, which Parton produced herself, will also feature a cover of Bread's "If."" You can read the rest of the story if you really want to.
Dolly's okay but my favorite cover of "Stairway" will always be by Tiny Tim, check it. Damn that fucker could sing. He was a performer god damn it! My favorite parody of the song is by Little Roger & The Goosebumps "Gilligan's Island (Stairway)" which is the Gilligan Island theme song set to "Stairway." It's mildly entertaining for about one minute and you can hear it here.
This is strangely hilarious and irritating at the same time. Turn up the sound dog.
I Am SO Not Psycho - Cara
So I'm going to be a big fag again and talk about the Real World. It's kind of scary but I actually got an email last week from someone that's read the site for a long time(I didn't know people like that existed) and she asked why I didn't write about the Real World anymore and why my old posts about the RW were not archived? I haven't talked about it much because It's sucked ass more then usual this season and my old posts about the RW are from the, way old days of CrazyAss13 and I decided not to archive that period because there is more then the CrazyAss13 approved amount of stupid shit in them. But as to not upset my only fan, I'm going to drop a little RW science tonight.
Well last week we got totally ass fucked by MTV for the second time this season when they didn't show a new episode. Instead we got a special on Real World hook ups that was so fucking stupid I would have turned off the freaking TV if it was for the fact the Osbornes were on next and I couldn't miss that shit.
Last week though was a jem though. That Cara is a real piece of work, that bone thin slut makes me laugh. The shat hit the fan last week when Chris touched her hip while she was getting ready for a date. Cara ran out of the room crying "Why would he do that?" She's crying because she's gained 7 pounds since the RW started bring her total weight up to 27 pounds, she needs to gain about 20 more pounds to get out of the crack whore category if you ask me. Chris decides to try and make it better by making Cara look him in the eyes while he tells her she's beautiful. Damn that's funny.
Act two featured Cara's ex-boyfreind, Ali, visiting. Cara needs closer, which in Cara's world means she wants to "do him" one last time. I'm not sure how many guys Cara's done so far this season because I've ran out of fingers and toes but I think it's around 234234. Skeletor does him and even brags to the roomies about an orgasam and the fact that Ali went south on her. WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING! I would touch that Nicole's dick much less my mouth.
Cara was in, or is going to be in, Stuff magazine, you can see some photo's here. Scary stuff.
As long as where talking about TV did anyone catch "Travel Sick" on COMEDY CENTRAL last week? It's on sunday nights after "Insomniac with Dave Attell." It's another British import series, and kind of like Fear Factor only less fucking stupid. In "Travel Sick," British host Grub Smith arrives at a mystery destination and is met by a local fixer/guide. The fixer presents Smith with a list of five edgy, dangerous, sick-inducing, weird and exciting challenges for him to accomplish in five days. His objective is to complete each mission. If he fails a task, he incurs a penalty and the more he misses, the worse the penalty gets. Examples of such penalties include anything from sticking his legs in a lake full of leeches to getting a bikini wax.
Last week this guy was in Korea and one of his challenges was to eat a live baby octopus. Which I guess is some kind of a treat in Korea? Anyway it was one of the more fucked up things I've ever saw on TV because the octopus was squirting ink and attaching his tenticals to his lips and face trying not to get eaten. If you've ever had squid sushi you know you have to chew that shit forever so this guy kept trying to get this octopus down but he just couldn't. It was fucked. The rest of the show wasn't that good but it was worth it just for that crazy octopus shit.
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The End of This Shit
– 4/16/02 – Fagatron2093
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It’s official. The temp job I currently hold has become the second worst job I’ve every held in my life (the first being the operator of an anti-lock brake piston drilling machine, but that’s another story). Luckily, there’s only one week left, so I thought it would be easy to get through it by just hunkering down and trying to clear my mind of the hell that surrounds me. Unfortunately, this isn’t so easy due to many in the group that I have been forced to suffer this experience with. Clockwise from where I sit, the other participants in my pod are:
Quiet Kenyan: Actually she’s not so bad since she pretty much shuts the fuck up except to say “good morning” to me at the beginning of the day and “see you tomorrow” at the end of it. It is worth noting, however, that English is her second language. She speaks it very well, but I find the amount of people on this project that have a non-English tongue as their primary language interesting since we are, after all, grading English papers.
Bleeding Heart: This fucknut’s always over-analyzing what to score the students because, as he says, “I’d hate to set a kid back educationally just because of a personal oversight.” Yeah, a one-point loss on a 10th grade standardized test is really gonna put someone’s future in the toilet. In fact, I declare this guy a double fucknut because he told me one day, “I did this project last year and swore I’d never do it again, but then the economy went in the toilet, and here I am.” What? How the hell does a dip in the economy explain why you’re doing the same shitty job a year later? What did you do in the year between the last time and this time when the economy was just peachy. Fuck it, I triple fucknut Bleeding Heart. And that’s not an easy status to attain.
Master’s Degree: This bitch has a master’s degree in education. I’ve managed to piece this together thanks to her bringing it up in conversation every God-damned day for the last three weeks. What’s worse, she wants to teach 5th graders. You don’t need a master’s degree to teach 5th graders. All you need is a sharp backhand.
Fat Crafter: She’s fat. She likes to make a lot of crafter items. Need I say more? Yes, in fact I do because I really believe that the reason this lady got into crafting was so she could make clothes that fit her. Her most bizarre piece of clothing yet was a patchwork jacket with a doll on the lapel. Not a little doll, not an action figure sized doll. A full sized, about a foot long, baby doll with weird moving eyes. Freaky as all fucking hell. Her most brilliant item she’s crafted is a quilted candy basket. I find this to be genius because it fills both her desires– to craft and to eat candy all day long.
Crazy Religious Non-Trad: Not only does this guy talk about off topic shit all day, when he does it’s usually about Jesus. Despite this, I do find this guy interesting thanks to the five differently colored sweatshirts that he wears in the same order throughout the week. It makes me wonder, does he have two other sweatshirts for Saturday and Sunday that I never see? I’d ask him, but then I’d run the risk of having to talk about my heart and how Jesus isn’t allowed into it. This guy also gives me a lot of trickle down entertainment thanks to him sitting next to…
Bad Tooth: Gets an earful of religion every day. I would talk shit about Bad Tooth, but 1) I like him, and he’s the only thing that’s kept me going through this job, and 2) He knows about this site.
Two Indians: These two girls sit too far away from me to irritate me, but Bad Tooth tells me they smell weird. I’ve tried to detect this odor when near them, but I can’t. Oh well.
The Supervisor: Annoys me by defacto since whenever he talks to me, he’s talking to me about this job. And finally…
Russian Medusa: Even though she is a medusa – a person with an attractive body and sultry voice, but when you see their face, BLAH! – she didn’t bother me at first. In fact, I found her misunderstanding of the English language a bit endearing. How could you not like someone that asked you what sodomy meant and where the word was derived from (I, of course, referred her to Crazy Religious Non-Trad).
However, after a week, it was obvious that Russian Medusa wanted more out of me than just the root word for anal sex. She began touching my shoulder when she talked to me, then my leg, then my inner thigh. She’d ask me what I was doing for lunch or what I would be doing after work (the answer invariably being, “crying,” but that’s beside the point). It’s flattering, sure, but again, when you look upon her, BLAH!
If I can just continue saying good morning to Quiet Kenyan, refrain from yelling at Bleeding Heart, bear a few more education level discussions from Master’s Degree, share some candy with Fat Crafter, dodge God bullets from Crazy Religious Non-Trad, avoid being stunk out by the Two Indians, keep The Supervisor convinced that I’m not just grading everything a 1, and keep Russian Medusa off my dick, I think I’ll make it. And then hopefully I’ll have something better to share with y’all. Like stories of being anally raped by a razor blade-laced cactus, for example.
Fagatron2093
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Alternative Lifestyle is OK with Me.
– 4/15/02 – The Fat Midget
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 After reading Fagatron's story about his adventures in New Orleans with the chicks with dicks it has inspired me to defend all the fruitcakes out there. I can't figure out why so many people want to get rid of our pink triangle friends? So I made a list of some of the reasons as to why we need to keep the 'Alternative Lifestyle' kickin'.
1. Less orphans. Paula Poundstone and Rosie O'Donnell have ate more vertical tacos than Gene Simmons, but for some reason they find it necessay to adopt a buttload of kids-until of course that little incident Paula had with the booze. Good luck on step five Paula.
2. Beautiful hair. I don't give a shit what you say about gay men, but they can make ANY woman's hair look great. It's NOT a salon without some penny loafer wearing freak greeting you at the door.
3. Beautiful homes. Unless you haven't checked lately, all the best interior designers are gay. And if they are not, they're checking into it.
4. Motorcycle gangs. A few years ago I attended the gay pride parade in San Francisco the capital of gayness. The parade started out with 'Dikes on Bikes' some of the meanest looking bikers I have ever seen in my life. Oh yeah, did I mention they were not wearing shirts or bras.
5. FREE Drinks! Ever get sick of buying the bitches drinks at the bar? Wondering when your FREEBEE is coming? Go to the gay bar, you'll drink free all night. Avoid free shots though, you may have trouble sitting down the next day.
6. Foreign Films. Show me a director from Europe who isn't on fire! Nuff said.
7. Contempory dance. Working at an entertainment facility I meet a lot of dance troops. I usually find an excuse to go back stage to checkout the hardbody female dancers, but the guys, there checking me out!
8. Fashion. Do I really need to touch on this?
9. Drag shows. I went to my first drag show about 3 years ago - they are fucking hilarious.
10. Dance Music. Personally I don't like dance music, but there are a few freaks out there that do - so I'm going to commend them on it.
So there you have it. Leave them alone! Pop culture would collapse as weknow it without them. Or would that be so bad?
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I skipped out of work on thursday to go to the circus with my friend KK. We got free tickets and we haven't been to a circus in a long time so I figured it would be interesting.